LITTLE BOY GOES TO HELL by Mark Nichols We see a Grainy Stylized Film PROJECTED ON A BIG-SCREEN LITTLE BOY is walking through the woods and sees a sign that says, This rope is not to be pulled. He pulls it. A flap falls down and the sign says, LITTLE BOY GOES TO HELL The film ends as the sound of an alarm rings and the music begins. Lights rise on Bosch-like hospital patients and staff. OPENING PSYCHIATRIST I've come to take you off with me To take you from this melody It's easy when you close your eyes It's easy when you go to sleep CHORUS (A Cappella in grand harmonies) There's a place in this world In this world all the time There’s no music, no darkness, And no light shines There's no day; there's no night But there’s plenty of time PSYCHIATRIST (quietly now.) And everyone’s crazy here under the sun We're all going backwards To where we've begun And after it's over the damage is done We did it for love or we did it for fun You never should wonder 'Bout what it all means Life is a memory Life is a dream Is your head a place where misery reigns? Or do pretty things still grow Would unbearable suffering be a nice change? Or does strangeness seem normal And normal seem strange I don’t know I don’t know PSYCHIATRIST & CHORUS Or is your head a wondrous, magical place With hundreds of clowns throwing pies at the face Of a hobo who's dancing on top of a unicorn Muttering something about Shakespeare and reindeer And somebody's collar bone Hung from the moon in traditional fashion And nobody has any clothes on They're dancing outside in the rain And I’m poking a needle deep into my eye Just to see if there’s some way to get me to cry PSYCHIATRIST And I wonder I wonder oh why, why, why, why They're serving us ice cream on Karma Pie Does anyone here have the answers my friend? To the question of what just might follow the end [THE DEVIL enters with the full Goat-Devil costume complete with goat-legs and rams horns. THE DEVIL raises his hand and the music goes into a primal-sax- solo- percussion-driven- jam. The chorus dances around the DEVIL in a frenzied EGO DANCE. Gradually the DEVIL is taken apart by the hospital staff and left in nothing but a hospital gown. Slowly he limps forward. The PSYCHIATRIST pushes a wheelchair up behind him and returns to the shadows. The DEVIL sits incapacitated. MOM and ANGELS cross upstage in song] A WHOLE NEW SOUL DEVIL Oh, Mammy You never did explain to me I been waitin' here forever, Mammy But you don't come back You told me you'd back, When the clock struck one But it's late now Mammy and forever's just begun And I used to have a soul where it was is just a hole now I need a whole new soul and I don't know where to go. Oh Mammy How would I fill this hole? When you leave me Oh Mammy. Whose soul Mammy? Who's soul could it be? Nurses enter. NURSE He thinks He’s the Devil. A NURSE He thinks this is real. NURSE It’s a Hell of a life. A NURSE It’s a Hell of a deal. NURSE Has he never been happy? They push the DEVIL aside as LITTLE BOY and MOM arrive at the hospital. The music changes to an upbeat, cheerful tone. As LITTLE BOY sings, the entire hospital staff bounces around him with ridiculous smiles, taking him through an absurd admittance procedure as MOM is shoved about by nurses with armfuls of forms to fill out. HAPPY GUY SONG LITTLE BOY Though I might have every problem That a little boy can have Ear infections, pigeon toes, and halitosis, Some terminal chapped lips That make it hard to sip Doesn’t matter cause it will get better Cause the rain won’t be getting any wetter Though yesterday was the worst day, today’s my seventh birthday I'm a happy guy I've got a happy life Hear my happy whistle From my happy lips. And all the world seems happy When you’re a happy man And all the happy wanderers Go happy hand in hand (He whistles a little tune.) I’m a happy person, I’m happy with my life I laugh and the world laughs with me Heedless of sorrow and strife And all the world seems happy When you’re a happy guy And all the swiftly parting souls go happy through the sky (By this time he has been put into a hospital gown and is seated on a hospital gurney. A nurse is about ready to take a blood sample) And they say -- CHORUS But what about the sorrow and what about the pain? LITTLE BOY I guess I know I’ll be happy again CHORUS But what about tomorrow, And what about the bomb? LITTLE BOY I guess I know that I’ll Get along The Six (Minister, Friendly, Jane, Clown, Petra, Professor) enter with pathetically forced smiles (with the exception of Nurse Jane, all are dressed as patients.) LITTLE BOY AND THE SIX The world’s not black The world’s not white You’re not wrong And I’m not right If you can think of a good reason why I should not be a happy guy Write it down on a blade of grass And shove it up your happy-- LITTLE BOY As you can see I’m as happy as.... Can be. LITTLE BOY is settled into his room with MOM at his side. Lights up in the ward. The DEVIL looks around with dawning recognition. NURSE JANE (whispering) He says he's the Devil! NURSE FRIENDLY He don't look like the Devil.. Maybe the devil's little sister but not the devil. Two nurses rush to sedate Nurse Friendly. NURSE JANE That's what he says, what should I do? ORDERLY Get his info, whatever he'll give you. Nurse Jane approaches the DEVIL. NURSE JANE Hi there. My name is Nurse Jane. Welcome to your new home. DEVIL But it isn’t new... DEVIL stares ahead. Lights change to LITTLE BOY’s area. MOM is reading to him from a children’s book. Little boy points to a picture in the book. LITTLE BOY Is he a good guy or a bad guy? Mom No idea. Little boy Yeah. Mom (reading) ... "and if the frying pan doesn't fly off the handle and do a tap dance with the pork and beans I'll tell you the story of Uncle Piggily and the Toothache boy." Two nurses enter. NURSE We’re ready for you now LITTLE BOY and MOM with DOCTORS. They have set up a SUPER-8 CAMERA on a Tripod in order to film little boy walking. Mom looks on with Little Boy. The boy staggers and limps right up to SUPER-8 camera. PSYCHIATRIST (downstage and staring past the audience, he takes a drag from his cigarette...) Just walk as normally as possible. . . (The boy limps toward the camera as hospital staff looks on) Good. We'll have this developed and analyzed right away. It should tell us something...I'm sure. MOM Is there anything I can do in the meantime. PSYCHIATRIST No, I'm afraid not, it's just going to take time. Can I talk to you for a minute alone. MOM Sure. They move to the side PSYCHIATRIST I’ve got to tell you...We don’t really know what’s going on. It could be physical and it could be... (takes a drag from a cigarette) mental. MOM Mental? But he seems so happy. PSYCHIATRIST Almost too happy. There are things about the human psyche we just don’t understand MOM He shouldn’t be here Doctor, these people are insane. PSYCHIATRIST (After a pause) We think there's a small chance that he may have M.S. or Muscular Dystrophy. Or arthritis. MOM Old men get arthritis.. PSYCHIATRIST We'll need to keep him here for at least a couple of weeks. We're testing like mad, and as you can see we'll be filming his movements. We'll be sending these films to every specialist in the country. That's the best we can do. Mom A couple weeks? That's so long. Are you sure that's necessary? PSYCHIATRSIT I'm sure. It's complicated. He exits MOM returns to LITTLE BOY and NURSES. Nurse It'll be over soon enough A NURSE We're going to take excellent care of him. MOM Thank you, I'm sure you will. MOM embraces LITTLE BOY. Lights back to ward as LITTLE BOY watches. Nurse Jane talks to DEVIL with a trio of Nurses taking down his answers. NURSE JANE FUZZY WUZZY Date of birth? DEVIL February 22, 1964 Nurse Jane Social Security Number? DEVIL 437 82 2666. NURSE JANE Name? DEVIL The Devil NURSE JANE O.K. Would that be Lucifer, Satan, Belzebub...? DEVIL No, Just the Devil. D-E-V-I-L. The DEVIL goes into a seizure. DEVIL And all the world seems happy when you're a Happy... He is restrained and sedated by ORDERLYs. LITTLE BOY Mom? Could you hand me my special birthday deathray blaster, please? MOM Doctor, What’s going on? PSYCHIATRIST Terrifying isn’t it? MOM (Urgently) These people!! They’re crazy here! PSYCHIATRIST You might think so. But I don’t. (To patients) Hello. Hello. How are we today? PSYCHIATRIST This is the special ward in our beautiful institute.. They’ re all here because of a unique combination of mental and physical illnesses. They are all curable and I have high hopes that we'll see them out living normal lives soon enough. Isn't that right Manny? Clown You bet you, Doctor. Just a little depressed though, I got to admit. The CLOWN puts out his hand. PSYCHIATRIST gives him a pill. Instantly, CLOWN is happy and swallows it.

I am the Head of Surgery PATIENTS (except DEVIL) He's the head of Surgery PSYCHIATRIST I love my patients equally HOSPITAL STAFF He loves his patients equally PSYCHIATRIST I treat them well All (except DEVIL) and hope like hell PSYCHIATRIST In hopes that they will cure themselves All: Cure themselves, Cure themselves. PSYCHIATRIST: If not they'll all, they'll all end up in-- MALE QUARTET (alternating Barbershop harmony style) The funny farm. The bottomless pit. The hen house. The Picklebarrel. ALL The Cracker Factory. Wa! PSYCHIATRIST (spoken) We must fight for them. They have lives! Just like we have lives. And hopes and dreams, just like us. They’re part of us. That's why they're here. To be cured. We must treat them all. Love them all. Take her for example... PSYCHIATRIST points at NURSE FRIENDLY. PSYCHIATRIST (singing) She's really just a patient who is hostile and defensive to the people she cares most about in fact, her presence here has grown so large she thinks that she’s the one in charge it’s true He gestures to the PROFESSOR, who mumbles to himself incoherently. PSYCHIATRIST The Professor's hebophrenia manifests inside his brain-ia watch him vocalize his nervousness see the latent schizo-herbousness which has just begun to surfaceness it’s a little bit like skurvies it'll pass I love my patients ALL He loves his patients I love my patients ALL He loves his patients PSYCHIATRIST I really love them and would you be the one to ignore him? ALL No! Would you cast him aside like a pin? ALL Not a chance! I love my patients ALL He loves his patients I love my patients ALL He loves his patients Would you throw him away like a bail of old hay? If you would then you’re nothing like me! CHORUS If you would then you're nothing like him PSYCHIATRIST gestures to the CLOWN PSYCHIATRIST And Manny seems good humored now but give him just an hour and the world will have turned sour it's a mystery and such that we search constantly to find alas that manic depression is a pain in the ass. (He turns to Petra) Now Petra is an addict suicidal and abusive her addiction causes friction won't respond when she's despondent she withdraws from all our treatment all her wounds are self inflicted it’s a shame. (He crosses to the Minister) The minister seems sinister in schizophrenic heaven her obsession means digression into spiritual possession you’re fairly safe ‘cause she believes Nurse Jane and I are Adam and Eve That’s right! I love my patients ALL He loves his patients I love my patients ALL He loves his patients I love my patients ALL He loves his patients I love my patients ALL He loves his patients I love my patients ALL He loves his patients I love my patients ALL He loves his patients (PSYCHIATRIST goes to the DEVIL) PSYCHIATRIST Would you be the one to ignore him? ALL No! would you cast him aside like a pin? ALL Not a chance! Would you throw him away like a bail of old hay? If you would then you're nothing like me! I am the Head of Surgery All (except DEVIL) He's the head of Surgery PSYCHIATRIST I love my patients equally All He loves his patients equally PSYCHIATRIST I treat them well All and hope like hell PSYCHIATRIST In hopes that someday they will cure themselves All cure themselves, Cure themselves. PSYCHIATRIST: If not they'll all. ALL they'll all end up in-- AH..... The song ends

DEVIL goes into a seizure-like ruckus. The MOM returns to LITTLE BOY's side. PSYCHIATRIST goes back toward DEVIL. NURSE JANE Doctor, come quickly PSYCHIATRIST (To Devil) So, how are we doing? The DEVIL calms down and just stares. PSYCHIATRIST Why won't he answer? Nurse JANE Doctor, this man says he's the devil. PSYCHIATRIST The Devil. . .Well, I can’t think of a better “Specialist” to cure him of that notion, can you? They look at each other with raised eyebrows. NURSE JANE He refuses to take his medication, sir. PSYCHIATRIST And why is that? Don't you want to get well? DEVIL Your treatments are useless, Doctor. PSYCHIATRIST I see.... DEVIL I don’t think you do. You can’t heal the Devil with an IV-drip and a handful of downers. PSYCHIATRIST You know, epilepsy’s a frightening disease. Some would say it is hell. They even used to think it was caused by demonic possession. Perhaps your condition-- DEVIL I am not of this world and neit her is my condition. I’m rotting on the inside. I need a fresh soul. An innocent soul. A pure soul. My kingdom demands that I have it. How am I going to find the soul I need in here, Doctor? THE PSYCHIATRIST sends NURSE JANE out and looks at LITTLE BOY PSYCHIATRIST You’ve been here before. It’s here. Children understand hell. They have no real sense of time. They never know if something good will ever be over, or if something bad might ever end. They're alwa ys in a sort of hell.. Most adults can't remember what it's like. DEVIL That’s true. PSYCHIATRIST I’ll tell you what. I'll help yo u find that soul. A perfect, innocent soul. One that must be given to you willingly, Am I right? DEVIL That's right, I can't steal it. PSYCHIATRIST Then let’s play a game. Like a child’s board game. The object of the game is to get your soul. If you win, I let you go home. If you lose, you remain here, my patient ...forever. What do you say? Is it a deal? DEVIL Making a deal with the Devil. Do you really think that's a good idea? PSYCHIATRIST I can take care of myself. Even the Devil has his demons. At this point THE SIX (Minister, Clown, Friendly, Jane, Professor, Petra) become THE SIX DEMONS, each putting on a black coat with a crow attached and black tophat and coming to the PSYCHIATRIST's side. The DEVIL reacts with fear. PSYCHIATRIST Even the Devil has his demons... NURSE JANE What do you recommend, Doctor? THE SIX pull out bottles of PILLS in rapid succession CLOWN Prozak FRIENDLY Barium PROFESSOR Lithium MINISTER Morladone? PETRA Shock therapy? (A long pause while they think about it, then rapidly...) CLOWN/MINISTER/JANE benzadone PROF/PETRA/FRIENDLY Triamiline PSYCHIATRIST No. No more drugs. (to the DEVIL) There's a man here who needs some curing. Who’s in need of a psychiatrist. A real psychiatrist a genuine head shrinker!. FRIENDLY Yes. NURSE JANE A brilliant Psychiatrist! CLOWN A genius MINISTER Pure Genius PROFESSOR Fantastic PETRA Indeed. The sing a tense, softshoe THE SIX DEMONS He's the head of psychiatry He loves his patients quietly He treats them well And hopes like hell in hopes that he can cure them Cure themselves, Cure themselves If not they’ll all They’ll all end up in... ALL (SUNG) HELLLLLLLLLLL!!! (last music) END OF SCENE

Lights up on Little Boy. MOM turns on a bedside light and picks up the children’s book to read. Little boy Could you hand me my special birthday hyper-gamma gun, please?. She does and he takes it. Mom Do you want me to read? Little Boy Mom, Am I gonna die here? MOM No honey, you’re just sick that’s all LITTLE BOY But what’s wrong with me? MOM We’re not sure yet, but we’re going to find out and get you better. LITTLE BOY Who long do I have to stay? MOM I don’t know honey. LITTLE BOY Are you going to go away? Mom I have to. I've got to go home and make dinner tonight. Little boy starts crying Little boy I'm afraid. Don't leave me here. Mom But lookit, honey, I have to. I've got to go home and cook for everybody and go to work. I'll be back though. I promise. Don't worry, I'll be back. Little boy But when? Mom Soon. Little boy But what if you don’t. Mom Here I brought a present for you. Going to her bag she takes out a toy clock and sets it. It’s a special birthday present. A very special present. It’s an alarm clock. See I’ll set it, and when it rings, I’ll be here OK? It’ll remember when I’m coming to see you again, cause it’s a special magical alarm clock that will help make you better. The more it tick tocks the better you’re going to get alright? And wh en the alarm goes off I’ll be here again OK? LITTLE BOY What If I have a nightmare? MOM Do me a favor. Think of the most wonderful place LITTLE BOY Like Candyland. MOM Yeah like that LITTLE BOY Uncle Piggely’s forest? Mom Sleep now Little boy Could you sing to me...please. MOM Then to sleep, okay? LITTLE BOY OK. Clock Song Mom sings a lullaby Mom Goodnight, Goodnight Sweet dreams my dear. Goodnight, I love you so. Goodnight, Goodnight Sweet dreams my love remember me when you go To foggy fields where green things grow Where chirpers chirp and warm winds blow Where time goes slow My darling know I love you wherever you go. MOM and DEVIL Tick tock, tick tock My little soul, tick tock and bring you back to me Goodnight, Goodnight Sweet dreams my dear Goodnight remember me there. Ohhh.... It never rains MOM where you might go wherever, wherever you go. Song ends. She kisses him and tucks him in. MOM Happy Birthday, sweetheart. LITTLE BOY Thank you. Goodnight. He clings tightly to the CLOCK. As MOM leaves, the Nurse trio appear to escort her out. As they turn to leave after her, they are revealed to have Angel’s wings. The DEVIL watches. Lights dim on BOY and rise on DEVIL with the PSYCHIATRIST

PSYCHIATRIST Terrifying, isn't it, the waiting. ON THE VIDEO SCREEN . WE SEE A SUPER-8 FILM. HOSPITAL HALLWAY: Little boy limps down the hospital hall. He looks up. We hear his voice echoing Little Boy Mom? PSYCHIATRIST (to DEVIL through this speech the DEVIL becomes more uncomfortable.) Is it the waiting that gets you? Waiting for the next one. The next soul that is? It's hard isn't it? The waiting is unbearable. Like with children. It’s the waiting that gets them in the end. Children would remain children for ever if they never had to wait. The fear of the unknown is nothing compared to the waiting. they can’t wait, ...So instead they drop right on down the rabbit hole or venture into the forest dropping crumbs or follow the yellow brick road, and along the way to grandmother's house, you talk to strangers, assuming that everything will turn out right in the end. Is that what happened? I can't blame you. It’s better than waiting around. I think your fear is blocking you. Tell me who you really are? DEVIL: The Devil PSYCHIATRIST Is that a little devil or a big devil? DEVIL The Only Devil. PSYCHIATRIST You know, 'Life is a process of recognizing oneself. Then Forgiving one's self for what we recognize our self to be.' DEVIL I hope you're making good money off your self-help book. Hippy kids eat that shit up. PSYCHIATRIST I am. (PSYCHIATRIST takes out a cigarette.) PSYCHIATRIST Do you mind? Little Boy Goes to Hell by Mark Nichols June 5th, 1998 Unable to wait any longer, LITTLE BOY packs a hobo stick with his gun and clock and decides to go explore DEVIL I'll use my Demons Wearing Black With Six black crows and Six Black Hats I’m not afraid of who I am Oh, thank you Mister Psychiatrist Man As LITTLE BOY enters the mouth of Hell, he realizes his legs are no longer crippled and dances. PSYCHIATRIST (To LITTLE BOY) Be careful along the way! You never know who might be waiting to nibble your toes! The SIX run screaming toward the BOY, who flees down the path. There was a little boy and a naughty boy was he he ran away from home to see what he could see Song ends. All exit. On the video we see a grainy film of the boy walking unsteadily towards the camera. The film ends abruptly.

The stage is empty except for LITTLE BOY in a dark, shadowy forest. MOON ON A STRING LITTLE BOY (frightened) Sometimes at night I sing to myself When there’s nobody else but me Sometimes at night I sing to myself When there’s someplace that Id rather be So I sit and I sing to the Moon on a string It’s a funny thing to be me— Song ends. He hears a noise. Enter the Nurse Trio as the 3 Damned. They are each grotesque and funny in a different way. DAMNED 1 Walk faster Damn it! DAMNED 2 I can’t, it’s my damned leg DAMNED 3 Damn You! DAMNED 2 Damn Me? Damn You!! LITTLE BOY Who are you? DAMNED 1 My name is Exceptional E. Damned Little Boy Goes to Hell by Mark Nichols June 5th, 1998 ______________________________________________ © Copyright 1998 by Mark Nichols 18 http://www.ReallyBigProductionCo.com Damned 2 And I’m Truly Damned LITTLE BOY And who are you? DAMNED 1 He’s Damned by Association. LITTLE BOY How did you get damned? DAMNED 1 We’ve been damned for so long we can’t remember. LITTLE BOY Where am I? DAMNED 2 Don’t you know? DAMNED 3 You’re in.... ALL THREE Hell.. (they giggle.) LITTLE BOY Am I dead? DAMNED 1 Hopefully. Little Boy pulls out his clock to check it DAMNED 3 Put that away! It’s forbidden here The Devil HATES (glances around) time! LITTLE BOY My clocks forbidden!? DAMNED 1 ShHHH! Don't even say it! LITTLE BOY I’m in deep trouble. I’m too young. DAMNED 2 Don’t fear there is someone who can help... DAMNED 3 Make things clearer DAMNED 1 She’s inspired DAMNED 2 Have you heard her message? LITTLE BOY Who is she? DAMNED 3 The Reverend Josephine Furniss you must have heard of her. DAMNED 2 She’s quite famous DAMNED 1 We’re going to see her now DAMNED Have you heard of her? LITTLE BOY No. I haven’t DAMNED 2 She’s the patron Saint of the Damned DAMNED 3 Founder of the Old School New age Church of the 3rd Eye DAMNED 1 And also a registered Distributor of Hell’s Holiest Water DAMNED 2 Also known as Triple H 2 O DAMNED 3 She gives us hope! Music begins. DAMNED 1,2,3 There she is! I hear her! Over there! Let's Go! Quickly!

BIBLE PICTURES written by Gary Minkler and Bill Bagley Long ago Man grew on the tree CHORUS Uh Huh! the monkey swung the birdies sang The buzzing bees When man got ripe he dropped from the tree CHORUS Halleluia! the Lion roared the howling hound CHORUS Amen! When man got ripe he dropped from the tree and he danced on the ground MINISTER/CHORUS The sun the moon The stars up above MINISTER When man got ripe he dropped from the tree and -- MINISTER/CHORUS There he was. MINISTER The serpent hissed the soil steamed CHORUS Uh huh! The snake recoiled, Insects boiled The Devil’s gleam And Dad was mad when Man went bad CHORUS Halleluia! The Lion roared the Howling hound CHORUS Amen! When man got ripe he dropped from the tree and he stomped on the ground MINISTER/CHORUS The sun the moon The stars up above MINISTER When man got ripe he dropped from the tree and -- MINISTER/CHORUS There he was. Dance/Instrumental MINISTER Now like ants swarm He who walks on two CHORUS Yeah! Spreads out his maps His fingers tap The Devil’s tattoo Now lifebows beat Where Man hath trod CHORUS Praise the Lord The lion roared The howling hound CHORUS Testmonial! When man got ripe He dropped from from the tree And he stomped them down! CHORUS He stomped them down He stomped them down CHORUS He stomped them down MINISTER/CHORUS He stomped them down He stomped them down He stomped/He stomped Them down/Them down He stomped/He stomped Them down/Them down He stomped them down He stomped them down He stomped/He stomped Them down! SONG ENDS MINISTER Good people thank you for coming today What with the apocalypse just a few years away a few moments right now for a soul full today doesn't seem like such a high price to pay Now does it? CHORUS No! MINISTER So let's not dilly dally and let's not stray,Let's get right to it. Let's pray. (a woodblock taps off a series of ticks and we hear a bell ding) MINISTER Good! (quickly with a beat) Now read with me the words of the day, Let's do it now get it out of the way, you'll find in the hymn-book on the flipside of the handout, In the middle of the leaflet verse 2 page 3 are you ready? Good! say it with me... (Mumblings from the congregation for about 5 seconds) MINISTER Good! Now as we all know... This ain't no sunshine funtime factory Toys and playland, puppies and fun It's a haunted house of demonic obsession with the torture and pain of insane confession ALL It’s a haunted house of demonic obsession with the torture and pain of insane confession MINISTER The glory of His name is all you got left ALL AMEN! MINISTER AMEN. I see that one of the flock has not offered anything unto him. As you well know HIS birthday is arrived and as you also know we celebrate by offering small tokens of ourselves to him. So my question for you today is---What is that? I hear a ticking, ...a ticking.... An unfamiliar sound. (she comes down from the lectern and wanders the crowd) MINISTER Who could it be making such a special, unusual sound? (She stops and stares at LITTLE BOY.) MINISTER Boy! What is that sound? LITTLE BOY I don't know... We hear ticking getting louder... MINISTER What is that noise? (Little boy holds up clock) LITTLE BOY You mean this? General gasps of horror from the chorus MINISTER That is precisely what I mean. Give it to me! LITTLE BOY Uh...my mom gave me this so I’d know when she was coming back.... MINISTER Little boy...His patience is unlimited... Mine on the other hand is wearing thin... Put it in the offering bowl. LITTLE BOY NO! I CAN'T! MINISTER Boy! Do you accept him into your heart. Boy LITTLE BOY Who!? MINISTER Have you heard his message? LITTLE BOY Who's message?.... MINISTER His! LITTLE BOY His who? MINISTER Then will you willingly offer up your eternal soul unto him? To him in his name? LITTLE BOY Whose name? MINISTER People! Bring out the tub of sacred water! LITTLE BOY A church in Hell? MINISTER The Church does not let little things get in it's way! LITTLE BOY But, Isn't it a little too late? MINISTER It's never too late to give over your eternal soul! They struggle over the clock LITTLE BOY I've got more important things to do right now. MINISTER More important than salvation! I hardly think so! People sometimes the word is not easily heard. Sometimes we must speak loudly! Forcefully! I believe this boy’s soul could be put to a better use! The congregation lifts the boy high and on each “saved” is dunked deep into the barrel of holy water. You are saved! LITTLE BOY But I don’t want to be saved! MINISTER You are saved! LITTLE BOY But I don't want to be saved! - -[dunk] MINISTER Into the water! LITTLE BOY Help! MINISTER You are saved! LITTLE BOY I don't want to be saved! The scene becomes more and more wild. Enter Officer Friendly with her two hellhounds. The congregation scatters into hiding. NURSE FRIENDLY What's the trouble here? MINISTER No Trouble Just a friendly service FRIENDLY Friendly?. . .Doesn't seem friendly . . .I do believe there's trouble here. This boy, I'm afraid isn't quite gettin' the introduction t hat's planned for him. So you don't suppose there might be some chance that I could please, beggin' your pardon, and sorry for the interruption , take him to the uh . . . might I say. . . proper authorities? She grabs the clock. Minister grabs the clock back.. MINISTER: I must protest! This here's church business and this boys got sanctuary! Friendly grabs the clock back from her. FRIENDLY Listen! Preacher! I'm gettin' mighty tired of you Bad Book Thumpers. Solicitin, beggin' Stealin! You can’t take things that don’t belong to you. Ya' Bunch of freaks! I'm barely hold’n' myself back from teachin' you a real sec-u-lar lesson! LITTLE BOY grabs the clock LITTLE BOY Gimme that back! Friendly grabs LITTLE BOY and the CLOCK in one gesture. FRIENDLY Let's go Boy . . . I'm takin you in! LITTLE BOY Where's in, Sir? FIENDLY Well in’s not out. That's for sure. In’s with the crooks, thieves, lawbreakers. The messer’s up of the natural order of things LITTLE BOY But officer, I didn’t do anything wrong. FRIENDLY I do believe you did do something wrong. I do believe you have in your possession an illegal object. Am I right? LITTLE BOY I guess so...Do I have to go to jail?.Can I keep my clock? FRIENDLY Of course you can. It’s yours isn’t it. If I didn’t give it back that’d be stealin’ wouldn’t it? But then again, if you gave it to me...willingly... that might be a nice law-abidin’ gesture. To Show your regret and all for breakin’ the law. LITTLE BOY That's ok. I think I'll keep it. FRIENDLY Listen Punk! I’m asking nice and friendly now give it to me and we’ll fo’get the whole thing. LITTLE BOY I can't. FRIENDLY Then I believe a little coolin’ off time wo n’t hurt. No it won’t hurt a bit. You punks are all the same. Tuck in your shirt. LITTLE BOY I don’t want to go to jail. It doesn’t sound like what I had in mind! The MINISTER tries to sneak the clock away with the aide of her deacons (3 Damned). The clock gets tossed around behind the Officer’s back. FRIENDLY What you had in mind? Here boy you mind your manners. This place isn’t like people think it is see. It’s safe clean harmonious full of beauty. Hell’s got order, peace love and duty. Without me it’s chaos. The hippie s, the punks, the liberals, the bad book thumpers , they'd take over. LITTLE BOY Hey, listen Officer, guess that I'm caught but you're tryin' to make me somethin' I'm not FRIENDLY Boy you don't get the picture Hell ain't a place you can ask why or which are good or bad, we're just glad that unlike you boy we got one thing-- That's DUTY! (Friendly catches the clock) MINISTER Well, Sir, I think your duty is to give me that damned clock! FRIENDLY That's it you're outa line. Nobody talks back like that to the Law . You're probably on somethin' ain't you? Yeah, I thought so. You twisted junkies are all alike. MINISTER I'm not on anything. Except the high I get from repeating his holy name over and over and over! LITTLE BOY What is his name? The Deacons sneak up and pinch FRIENDLY, who pitches the clock from the shock. FRIENDLY Ow! That hurts! Clock gets tossed around again. LITTLE BOY catches it. MINISTER You cops are all the same! FRIENDLY Now Let me tell you somethin We all got a job to do. . . We're all workin' on the big puzzle! There are those of them that mess it up and those of us who fix it. That's me boy!

My friends, they call me Johnny Law Now watch it there boy you know you gone too far! I'm Officer Friendly. No friend to you I'm Officer friendly, so watch, watch, watch what you do! I live on this side of the cheap sunglasses Born in the styx to kick some asses got a shiny badge and a vel-cro suit, a smokey bear hat now ain't I cute? LITTLE BOY Hey Officer, What did I do? I was minding my business, just passing through. So, if you'll let go of my arm, I'll be on my way, So long, Officer Friendly, Have a nice day. [LITTLE BOY runs away. There is a big underscored chase scene) (Little boy is finally caught.) FRIENDLY You'll be sorry you ever crossed this county line. you'll be one sorry hippy! (FRIENDLY throws him in a small cage-like jail cell.) FRIENDLY I’m going to see what the boss has to say about you. I bet he’d go a whole lot easier on ya’ if you just willingly handed over that there illegal contraban to me now. Whadya say? LITTLE BOY I better not. FRIENDLY Then why don’t you rot for a bit and see if your tune changes. She hangs up the cell key and exits.

THE DEVIL coughs loudly. THE SIX disappear, revealing The DEVIL in a cage beside the LITTLE BOY. He is disguised with a hat and beard, looking like a life-long prisoner. LITTLE BOY wakes up with a start.) LITTLE BOY Who are you? DEVIL Who? LITTLE BOY You. DEVIL Me? LITTLE BOY Yes you. DEVIL Nobody. LITTLE BOY Nobody? DEVIL That’s right. I’m Nobody! LITTLE BOY You have to be somebody. DEVIL No I don’t. LITTLE BOY Nobody’s a nobody. DEVIL Exactly. LITTLE BOY What? DEVIL Nothing. LITTLE BOY But you’re in jail. You have to be a somebody to do a bad something to go to jail. DEVIL Not me. LITTLE BOY Why not? DEVIL No reason. LITTLE BOY Then why are you in jail? DEVIL Because nobody should go to jail for no reason. LITTLE BOY You’ve been here a long time, haven’t you? DEVIL No time at all, actually . Remember, there is no time here. LITTLE BOY Oh, yeah. It’s against the law. DEVIL ( slyly ) Though I must admit, I often wish I had just a little time to myself. Don’t you wish you had just a little... time . LITTLE BOY I do have a little time! ( LITTLE BOY takes out his clock ) That’s why I’m Little Boy Goes to Hell by Mark Nichols June 5th, 1998 ______________________________________________ © Copyright 1998 by Mark Nichols 27 http://www.ReallyBigProductionCo.com in jail. DEVIL Oh my! It’s been forever since I’ve -- It’s perfect! LITTLE BOY It’s a very special gift. Listen to it tick! DEVIL Yes, it is quite a ticker. I wish I had a very special gift to keep me company in here... LITTLE BOY Yeah, it's nice. And the best part is it’s magic. When it rings my mom will come back and I’ll be all better. DEVIL Is that right? LITTLE BOY I think it will go off soon, but I can’t tell time, so I don’t know when. DEVIL Well, I have an idea. You see, I can tell time, so if you give me your special gift, I’ll let you know when it’s going to ring. LITTLE BOY But maybe the magic won’t work if somebody besides me has it. DEVIL But I’m a nobody, remember? LITTLE BOY Oh, that’s right! And I’ll never know when it rings if nobody has it. DEVIL Good point. LITTLE BOY I just want to get out of here and find my way home. DEVIL Goodness. Down here, there’s only one way I know to get what you really want. LITTLE BOY What is it? DEVIL You need to make a deal with Him. LITTLE BOY Him? DEVIL Yes, Him. LITTLE BOY Who is Him? DEVIL Who’s Him?! LITTLE BOY Who’s Him? DEVIL The DEVIL!! Make a deal with the Devil! LITTLE BOY A deal? What’s that? DEVIL You know, you give him something he wants and he'll give you what you want in return. LITTLE BOY That’s the only way? DEVIL The only way. Little Boy Goes to Hell by Mark Nichols June 5th, 1998 ______________________________________________ © Copyright 1998 by Mark Nichols 28 http://www.ReallyBigProductionCo.com LITTLE BOY Then that’s what I’ll do! I’ll make a deal with the Devil! DEVIL Excellent! Now get going! LITTLE BOY But we’re in jail! I can’t just open the door and walk out. DEVIL Sure you can. There’s the key. Just unlock yourself. It’s easy. LITTLE BOY gets out and opens door for DEVIL. LITTLE BOY Wow! Come on! DEVIL No, you go ahead. LITTLE BOY But how do I find the Devil? DEVIL That’s the easy part. Just look for him, and trust me, he’ll find you. LITTLE BOY But we can go to the Devil together! DEVIL Bad idea. LITTLE BOY He’ll let you free. DEVIL I don’t think so. LITTLE BOY But I need your help! DEVIL Leave me alone! LITTLE BOY But you could be somebody! DEVIL I said no! LITTLE BOY Please! HERMIT SONG You can visit here any time, That would be more than fine But that's where I draw the line. like to go but "no" means "no" For all . . . for all .. . . for all . . . of . . . Time. (As DEVIL sings, he draws his head up through the top of the cage and dances with it around him like a large dress.) Sometimes I'd like to sail away,. In my balloon to Paraguay do Mardi Gras like Hemingway but lately I got bills to pay So I stay inside, I stay inside My nice new, 30-year fixed rate, peek-a-boo Little Boy Goes to Hell by Mark Nichols June 5th, 1998 ______________________________________________ © Copyright 1998 by Mark Nichols 29 http://www.ReallyBigProductionCo.com No-view house! Sometimes I'd like to have it all I ‘d like to climb the Berlin Wall to tan and watch the visigols but I can't find a parisol So I stay inside, I stay inside. Oh, don't worry boy, it's just the way the devil wants the rent today the landlord only has to say “Hermit you've got Hell to pay,” And I stay inside, I stay inside. . . Inside, inside, inside, inside, inside. If I were outside I would be the King of everything I see but I am now where I will be I’m damned for all eternity, To wash the windows, take my tea it's just me, me, me. Me, me, me. You can visit here any time, That would be more than fine But that's where I draw the line. I'd like to go but "no" means "no" For all . . . for all .. . . for all . . . of . . . Time. Goodbuy! Until next time.... (DEVIL exits with cage.

Lights go to half as little boy creeps forward. He whistles the Happy Guy song. Lights change. LITTLE BOY walks forward, We see that he is scared. He hears the sound of the forest at night, and jumps when he hears an owl hoot. Then a crow caws. Finally he hears a SINGING SAW pl aying a haunting melody. A small cottage appears made of gingerbread. It suddenly moves, propelled by what appear to be chicken's feet. LITTLE BOY goes to it. He knocks. A woman sticks her head out the main window. It is MOM as a WITCH.) MOM Who's there? Who's that outside my house? Oh, my goodness, it's a child. It's you you’ve come at last? LITTLE BOY Me? MOM Yes you... LITTLE BOY How did you know I was coming? Are you the Devil? MOM The Devil? I don't think so! Little Boy Goes to Hell by Mark Nichols June 5th, 1998 ______________________________________________ © Copyright 1998 by Mark Nichols 30 http://www.ReallyBigProductionCo.com LITTLE BOY I need to see him. MOM The Devil! Why would you want to see him? LITTLE BOY I've got to make a deal to get outa here. See I've got this (he holds up clock.) And the Devil wants it. MOM Oh, I see. Well, I know the Devil, why don't you give it to me and I'll gladly present it to him. LITTLE BOY That's ok. I better do it myself. If you're not the Devil, who are you? MOM Well...it depends on-- LITTLE BOY --Are you a witch?! MOM A what? LITTLE BOY A Witch!? MOM A Witch? Why in hell would you think that? No silly, I’m not a witch. I'm just a simple mother. I have six hungry children to take care of. In fact, I bet you'd like to meet them. Why don't I call them? Boys! (The SIX DEMONS in black appear with axes and shovels and stuff. They're wearing black cowboy hats.) SIX DEMONS Howdy Ma! (LITTLE BOY gets out his toy gun and waves it menacingly.) MOM What's a' matter? LITTLE BOY Who are they? I'm afraid! MOM Afraid? What are you afraid of? LITTLE BOY I don't know, I just am... MOM Don't you know, Sweetie, that fear is all you have to be afraid of. Because fears can come true...Isn't that right boys? THE SI X Yeah Ma! Sure is! CLOWN What’s for dinner MA? MOM I wish I knew? FRIENDLY I’m hungry Ma! PROFESSOR Me too. MOM You know sons. I think we ought to have this little boy for dinner! A dinner guest. What do you say? THE SIX Yee haw, Ma! Song starts MOM If we only had something to eat... Oh boys remember the days when our menu was filled with delicious treats. THE SIX Mmmm. Do we ever. Witch’s Song During the song THE SIX prepare a large stewpot and eventually put in LITTLE BOY. THE SIX There’s a bone in the freezer it’s already been Knawed plus it’d take to long to get the thing thawed LITTLE BOY and I’m gettin’ kind of nervous wonder how I got here with six cowboys and a wicked witch MOM I’m not a witch it’s just the clothes the beady eyes the crooked nose This isn’t me Oh can’t you see That I’m not a wicked witch at all but somebody has to take the fall THE SIX Oh I long for the days when our stomachs were full when our guts were stuffed, grub was on the table LITTLE BOY What the heck am I doing I’m about to be baked by some cowboys and a horrible witch MOM I’m not a witch It’s just the broom It follows me around the room I can’t get rid of it can’t you see THE SIX Ma! It’s somebody else it isn’t me I’m not a witch it’s just the spells THE SIX Ma! coming out of my mouth along with the smells of bat wing and lizard legs THE SIX Ma! and spider poop and rotten eggs My real breath is minty clean THE SIX Ma! I’m actually not at all mean. (Lights rise upstage. PSYCHIATRIST and DEVIL enter playing the board game on the gurney, accompanied by two nurses. The PSYCHIATRIST rolls dice to put BOY in cauldron.) Little Boy Goes to Hell by Mark Nichols June 5th, 1998 ______________________________________________ © Copyright 1998 by Mark Nichols 32 http://www.ReallyBigProductionCo.com THE SIX It’s been such a long time since we ate Ain’t had no vittles on the plate Just like Old Ma Hubbard our Ma does her best but it’s hard to be a witch in the wicked wild west Serve him up Sure looks good Pass the salt It’s been such a long time since we ate Ain’t had no vittles on the plate Just like Old Ma Hubbard our Ma does her best! Song ends. LITTLE BOY MOM!! AHH!

DEVIL AHHH!!! (rolls dice and moves LITTLE BOY gamepiece) Yes!! LITTLE BOY scrambles out of pot as SIX are about to descend over him and runs downleft, realizes he doesn’t have the clock and stops.) PSYCHIATRIST Not so fast. (rolls and moves MOM forward) She’s still got the soul! MOM crosses down center to show BOY the clock and laughs. DEVIL (rolls and moves BOY one square) Boy moves toward soul one square. PSYCHIATRIST (rolls and moves SIX Pieces. They move forward to back up MOM.) Demons move in two squares! DEVIL (rolls dice and moves BOY piece) She may have the soul for now, but the Boy is safe! PSYCHIATRIST (rolls and moves piece. Draws a Card.) Maybe, but you’ re not. (Shows DEVIL the card) Fear Card! Prep Him! Nurse Jane! (Jane runs off. THE SIX begin to remove their Hats and Demon gowns, readying for the song. MOM takes clock to cauldron and wheels it downleft to prepare for cooking) DEVIL What does that mean? PSYCHIATRIST It means to move forward you have to face your deepest fear. What are you afraid of? DEVIL I don’t know! (Nurses give him a shock) PSYCHIATRIST Who are you really? DEVIL I don’t know! (Nurses give him a shock) PSYCHIATRIST Tell us! What are you most afraid of! DEVIL I don’t know! (They shock him and leave defibs on his head) PSYCHIATRIST Think! DEVIL I can’t think with them doing that! (Nurses remove defibs and put them away) I’m afraid of being left alone. PSYCHIATRIST Good. Now face it. Face it head on! DEVIL I can’t! PSYCHIATRIST You have to. Go Deep! Deep! TWO NURSES Deep into the forest, where the crazies hang... ...a-skif boff dibbity dip, dibbity boff dang PSYCHIATRIST one...two.. three...four.... Song Starts. Nurse Angels enter. The LITTLE BOY remains hidden under downright ramp, watching the action. THE SIX and chorus begin gyrating to the beat. The DEVIL watches in confusion and terror, PSYCHIATRIST gets into the song, and MOM dances as she stirs the pot with the clock ready to be stewed. NURSE Slap hap pappy on a corner to nine he got the situation suckered given a manner of time and If you give him a chance he'll slip-in-a- numeration happy hippy common denominator nature lover Gone.To . Give. A. Gamelon a panther in the manner described he’s gonna panalong the jammer on an ax he would grind it’s said he’ll make a finger linger on a loveable spine and himmy jimmy on a hell of a lot of fish And himmy jimmy on a hell of a lot of fish. NURSE JANE One little fishy he swim swam swan into the school of fishies in the jim jam jam in the great big ocean the big big ocean and he swam and he swam and he swam into the light of the silvery moon 2-3-4 Every hero has his Achilles heel he try to consciously object but end up makin a deal to even think you could avoid it slip away like an eel is just denial baby buggy bumper canna' frumpa lumpa CHORUS your deepest fear your deepest fear... your deepest fear your deepest fear... your deepest feat MOM sees BOY and crosses with clock to get him. The crowd carries DEVIL downstage center and sets him beside MOM before running off. MOM turns and is shocked by his presence. BOY grabs clock, runs off, MOM starts to follow, stops, and turns back. DEVIL and MOM face each other. PSYCHIATRIST (to DEVIL) Your turn. NURSE JANE You’re gonna whimper like a baby when it gets here DEVIL runs off. Blackout. End of ACT I

ACT II The SIX DEMONS appear with lighted candles. THE SIX DEMONS Seven, seven, seven, How do you get to heaven? Seven's the magic number, What’s up with the number 7! (THE DEVIL appears and crosses downstage of the THE SIX DEMONS, who hold lighted candles. On a cue they blow them out and hold them up high.) DEVIL as I fly high above over fields across the Styx All my demons go on gathering and practicing their tricks with their seven upheld candles and seven smothered wicks I'm reminded just how much I hate the number 6. The DEVIL reveals a hat and cane. He wears a vaudeville suit. Rivers in the Mud Devil Oh Mammy. How I miss ya Mammy Ya fed me from the left breast Ya fed him on the right I slept in the daytime And he slept in the night I played in the darkness he played in the light ya kept us separated because ya thought we'd fight Oh, Mammy Can't you see it wasn't right. So I, I took a chance to see the light of day He was in the garden He wanted me to play Oh Mammy It was so much fun we were just bein' kids no harm done. DEVIL ( CONT... ) God and I were friends that day making little rivers in the mud long before the flood http://www.ReallyBigProductionCo.com you came out and called us in five more minutes we were back again Oh mammy we were just havin' fun just bein' kids no harm done. Enter TRIO of NURSE ANGELS NURSE ANGELS Out in the Garden gathered some mud and they patted it--down flat! looked at each other, said "it was good" let's make some more--like that! Devil look at what we brung ya Mammy can't ya see it's all right we can take care of it Mammy we're not gonna fight Trio She was not impressed they got mud on her dress she wacked them on the head and sent them off to bed Devil Mammy I don't get it can't you see me frown! Trio God went dancing up the stairs and He-- (they point to the Devil) He went down. DANCE BREAK. See Score. #1 TAP DANCE and 1st 666. #2 THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD IN 30 SECONDS. #3 THE 666 APPOCALYPSE EXPLOSION ON THE BIG SCREEN T.V. The music dies back down to just a sad piano. MOM enters with Trio Devil Mammy You never did explain to me just why you leave me and she said to me: DEVIL (Cont...) "It never rains down in hell boy so wipe your tears away. It never rains down in hell boy so wipe your tears away." Devil, trio, MOM it never rains it never rains Devil (a cappella) it never rains . . . He puts out his hand. They disappear

as lights come up on Little boy walking with his hobo stick. He looks around. Slowly, a SIGN is lowered. The sign says: "This string is not to be pulled." LITTLE BOY pulls the string. A flap falls down it says "Look in the knot hole! Stupid!" The CLOWN enters, extremely upset. CLOWN Now you've done it. Little boy is shocked. CLOWN Why did you do it? The sign said not to pull the string. Little boy I just want to find the devil so I can make a deal and get out of this place. CLOWN Yeah, but the sign says "Don't pull the string." Little boy I can't read. CLOWN Oh! (he is instantly happy) It says look in the knot hole. Little boy What? CLOWN Put your hand in the knothole. Little boy reaches in a knothole in the tree and finds a letter. Little boy It's a note. What good's that gonna do me? CLOWN Give it to me. I'll read it. It says: "In celebration of my inevitable new soul, I the Devil, am hosting a party, call it a "soul- stice". This will be a grand brew-ha-ha featuring the usual assortment of gross odities, drunkeness, presents , and of course, as usual, we'll be dancing to architecture." The clown laughs CLOWN Yipee, a party! The clown tries to decide which way to go, finally gives up, whips out a harmonica and drops to the ground between the two paths, morosely depressed. CROSSROADS Little Boy Goes to Hell by Mark Nichols June 5th, 1998 ______________________________________________ © Copyright 1998 by Mark Nichols 39 http://www.ReallyBigProductionCo.com CLOWN Well I'm sittin at the crossroads gwinna make a deal with the debil down the way Gwinna find the debil's playground and while I wait around I'm gwinna play Gwinna Swing the debil's swing gwinna slide the Debil's slide gonna play hide and go seek in a land where you can't hide Lawdy lay I'm gwoin' to the crossroads lookin' for the "Y" in the road . Make a deal with the Devil, and maybe lighten up, my heavy load

God, I wish I had soul! Or at least a soul! Little boy You're going to make a deal with the Devil? Me too!! Clown (suddenly ecstatic again) What a coincidence! LITTLE BOY We should go together! Maybe we could help each other! CLOWN Yeah! What a great idea! I'll bet we could! LITTLE BOY Let's do it!.... CLOWN All right! LITTLE BOY Cool! (A pause) So which way do we go? CLOWN Well,...(Immediately begins to weep) I can't decide. That's one of my problems. I can't seem to make choices, and a magician always has to know what he wants Little boy A Magician? But you look like a clown. Clown Shh...listen close little boy... (Boy draws close) (He yells) I ain't no clown! Little boy Then why are you dressed like a clown? CLOWN I’ts what I’ve always worn. I’m not trying to be a clown. LITTLE BOY Can't you just put on some magician clothes? Clown Oh, no. We’re not allowed to change without His permission and he never grants it. He hates change. But I’m miserable. If I could just get up the guts to ask him, but I'm so afraid. Little boy Well--I'm not afraid of Him! I'm going to slay the Devil if I need to! Just like a dragon! If he won't help me find my way home, that's what I'll do! Little boy takes out his toy gun, and holds it out menacingly. Clown Oh sh! Sh! Sh! Please don't say that! You can't--you can't possibly hurt him! What would happen to all of us? You'd just make him mad and he'd take it out on us! Little boy So you already know ..the Devil? Clown Yes. (pleased with himself) Everyone in Hell is familiar with him. Little boy Then what does he look like? Clown Depends on his mood. He has a lot of faces. Lots of masks. In fact, he could be anyone of us. He could be me--Ha Ha-- you'd better watch out. Clown covers his mouth, suddenly terrified. Clown Oh my--I didn't even think of it--he could be you. Oh, what have I done? If you're him--I'm sorry, I'm really sorry! Little boy I'm not him! Clown Really? Promise LITTLE BOY I promise. CLOWN (happy again) Well ok. Little boy Can I see a magic trick? Clown Alright. But just one. We hear music. He looks around nervously, then does a lame and unsuccessful trick, but his execution is very funny. Clown Shoot He starts crying. Little boy I don't understand. Why can't you just be a clown? You could be a great clown! CLOWN pulls out a cigarette. CLOWN Got a match? LITTLE BOY It’s not polite to smoke. Clown Well if every clown wore a crown we'd all be kings, wouldn't we? LITTLE BOY What’s that got to do with matches? CLOWN Shakespeare! (Waits for laugh that doesn’t come) Little boy Uh...Yeah. That's pretty funny. See you're really funny. CLOWN (gleeful) You're right! You know--you're the kind of friend a person needs! You're the kind of friend a person looks for! Little boy I am? Clown You should be my friend. You could help me put a new act together. You could be my sidekick... you could help me write new material, good material!. We could amuse him and maybe he'd think we were funny or clever or creative! And he'd give us a break. Little boy I could be a Clown too. In fact, we could be the best darn clowns the world has ever seen! Clown Like Laurel and Hardy Little boy Like Bert and Earnie. Clown Yeah, right. Barnum and Bailey! The best darn clowns the world has ever seen! Little boy YEA! Clown YEA! They both jump around, hugging each other. High energy music is heard, similar to the Warner Brothers cartoon theme song. A Rapid March Tempo. During the introduction Clown and Little Boy both put flowerpots on their heads. LITTLE BOY hurriedly gets dressed like the CLOWN. The two sing. Clown and Boy (Singing) You're the kind of friend a person looks for You're the kind of friend a person needs What else could you be Clown When you are with me The kind of friend I'd like to be! Little boy I guess that's me! Little boy You're the kind of friend a person waits for Clown you're the kind of friend a person needs. Little boy When I'm feeling blue Clown I'll stop and think of you Little boy I hope that you are happy too Clown I'm glad I have a friend like you Little Boy I'm glad to have a friend like you Clown And I am too. Clown (Patter speaking over music) Got a match? Little boy No, I don't It's not polite to smoke Clown If every Clown wore a crown we'd all be kings Little boy What does that have to do with matches? Clown Shakespeare! BOTH Hey! (Rimshot.) LITTLE BOY Say, I heard a joke the other day. CLOWN Oh, yeah? What was it? LITTLE BOY I can’t remember. CLOWN You can’t remember? Well, was it funny? LITTLE BOY not really. CLOWN Then why did you bring it up? LITTLE BOY It seemed like your sort of joke CLOWN Whoa! (Rimshot.) CLOWN So who was that woman I saw you with last night? Little boy That was no Woman, that was my mom! BOTH Yeah! (Rimshot.) Music cranks up again and they do a TAP DANCE break The music becomes faster and more circus-like Clown You want to see some magic kid? I'll show you a little magic. You want to impress your friends? Just watch. He does a successful back flip. Clown (Doing the funky chicken) See kid. You got to live on the edge. Take chances; Life's too short! I'm intense I'm intense I'm intense like Houdini or Mou No one messes with me no one's refutin' I'm bad as rasputin' I'm pukin' my guts up for you Like Sid Visious would do... Cause I'm too intense! CLOWN Check this out! CLOWN does Watusi. Then does another backflip (flown into the air Peter Pan style,) and crashes into the bushes. Music stops. Clown Oh . . . ow . . . Little Boy Are you o.k? Clown Oh. . . that one hurt. . . i'm in pain. . .that was intense. I'm so bad. I suck.. LITTLE BOY What's the matter? I thought you were happy. CLOWN I was. . . I guess. (sobs) Oh. I can't believe how screwed up I am. I mean only minutes ago I had the world figured out and a cherry on top and it was in the bag had achieved a perfect Kharmic balance and now everything's bad! Little boy You just need more practice, It's ok. Clown No it's not. You got my hopes up. Little boy But, without you, how am I going to find the Devil to make a deal? clown You'll do OK kid. Run along. Little boy But our career? Clown Forget it kid. I'd just screw up the deal. I'm so stupid. Can't you see that? Little boy But-- Clown Now kid. Just head that way, go straight and don't look back. Get out 'a here. Good luck, kid. The Clown puts his head in his hands and sighs. Little boy turns hesitantly LITTLE BOY But I thought we were friends!? CLOWN We were. Now we're not. He Exits.

LITTLE BOY Jeez, I've got a lot to learn. I don't understand anything. A banner drops it says "PROFESSOR STUMP'S SCHOOL OF HERBALOSOPHY, DEAL-MAKING, AND TIME" A few students are dollied in. They sit in little schooldesks. Professor (Entering on a bike) Hep,hep-herba-herba-hebba-hep-hebba hep... You certainly do have a lot to learn. And I am just the person to teach you! Hello Students! ALL Hello, Professor Stump. PROFESSOR The first thing I'd like to do today is to spend a little time on the concept of time…isn't that funny? We're going to take some time to spend time learning how to tell time. Hopefully we won't run out of time in the process. Hm... [teacher paces, taps fingers on desk.] What is time anyway? 5 minutes ago we were outside at recess. But doesn't it seem like it was a lifetime ago? A lifetime. Hebba-herba-hebba- A watched pot never boils. A human lives for 80 years. A fly lives only a month. Every year to a dog is equal to seven of our years. Certainly time is not the same experience for a turtle or a sloth or a snail or a slug as for us? Is it? Professor Now, Students, Take out your phoney paper clocks. Students open desks and take toy clocks except for Little Boy who takes out his real clock. Professor Can anyone tell me what time it is if the little hand is on the 1 and the big hand is on the 9? Little boy One-O-nine? Professor Young man. Do you ever expect to graduate giving answers like that? Hebba herba...hep.... You've got far to go, I can see that. What is it you want from an eduction? LITTLE BOY I want to be smart so I can make a good deal with the DEVIL Little Boy Goes to Hell by Mark Nichols June 5th, 1998 ______________________________________________ © Copyright 1998 by Mark Nichols 45 http://www.ReallyBigProductionCo.com PROFESSOR I see… Dealmaking requires three things. 1) Something you want 2) something they want and 3) A philosphy of life. An ethic, a credo. I know just the one for you...herbalosophy. Little boy "Herbalosophy?" ALLHerbalosophy? Professor Yes. "herbalosophy" is a combination of a lot of important things: religion psychology, many disciplines packed together. Complete knowledge, you might say. Little Boy Well, I like knowledge. Everyone nodding excitedly. Professor Then this is your lucky day! Knowledge is my middle name, Professor Underpants Knowledge Stump. Yes, You happen to be looking at someone who knows, should I say it? Oh, why not--everything. Little boy Everything? ALL Everything? Little boy No one know's everything! PROFESSOR Cretin! Are you disputing my credentials --yes, I'm extremely qualified and have been certified in virtually everything. My life's work has been the attainment of knowledge Let's see there's (Singing) High school Administration, Poly Sci, Astronomy Religion, English, P.E. and my masters in Autonomy Oxford on a rouge to study Hebrew Deuteronomy and ended up in astro bio physical economy A Doctorate from M.I.T. in Lazer radiology. I took a term at Berkeley doing MacroEtemology And If you still are wondering just what a scholar is this I have to say, my majors had an emphasis in Business! Little boy Business! Wow! You must be smart! Professor Maybe… Little Boy Goes to Hell by Mark Nichols June 5th, 1998 ______________________________________________ © Copyright 1998 by Mark Nichols 46 http://www.ReallyBigProductionCo.com Little boy ...Well maybe you know what I need to know. Professor I'm sure of it. Little boy Great maybe you can teach me how to tell time now! Professor Time, Little boy, is the Antichrist of the intellectual. You are stupid now, I can see that. but you or anyone no matter how dumb can be taught to perceive the seed, the quickening core we call time. Oh yes, I'm sure of it. I see great potential. Mmmmm herba hep..hep...What was the question? Don't confuse me! For remember. I know everything. Whatever the question is, It shouldn't be a problem. LITTLE BOY Can you teach us how to tell time. PROFESSOR Yes, I know practically everything, and I've condensed it all together in this wonderful--hep hep--herbas--'excuse me, this wonderful "philosophy" if you will. Before we learn to tell time. We should know what "time" is. What is time? Now, lemme see if I can explain a couple of things to ya. Like....this...Oh yeah, can you feel it? Music starts when Professor snaps his fingers 4 times Professor Machiavelli Ran from a fly in his ear Got a fear very near to a new revelation about the situation, his position in the station, the station of life and his constant constipation, the black tailed plumage of the image of himself. If you knew you like him and he do, you'd be bettin' your life you'd be reachin' for a knife the knife was made of rubber, the Buddha made of blubber SO MUCH FOR IMPROVING YOUR HEALTH! Buddha’s on a diet, Keep him quiet Let him try it All the people rub his belly want to force him to deny it. It’s confusing yet amusing Machiavelli be abusing No one else is in the race But it seem he’s always losing Machiavelli got to run to get away. Had a deerfly in his ear Wouldn’t leave, wouldn’t leave Little Boy Goes to Hell by Mark Nichols June 5th, 1998 ______________________________________________ © Copyright 1998 by Mark Nichols 47 http://www.ReallyBigProductionCo.com Hooked up with Cinderella She’s a swishy kinda fella Glass slippers full o’ jella In a pizza quick bordella Machiavelli and the Buddha got away! [spoken] Lemme see if I can explain a few things to ya. Now you take a religion take any old one and you take a philosophy just for fun and you mash it together you squash em together combine 'im--define 'em as 'herba' Or you take the linking verb 'Hebba" "to heb" or you can use another--that's "hep" instead and then you mash em together, you squash em together you go hep--hep, PROFESSOR (Cont…) herba herba herba herba hep now, hep--hep, herba herba herba hep now.. .. . All Hep--hep--herba-hep hebba herba now! Hep --hep --herba hep herba , now, now As they repeat this, their dance becomes more and more frenzied. Rollerskating Books whirl around the action. Professor Like a noodle eating poodle or a pope on a rope It's a transcendental muddle Machiavelli is a dope He's an optimist, pessimist, universal consciousness isn't any better than a gator in the water than a gator in the water of a moat Professor Like a cigarette butt ALLlike a gator in a mote Professor Like a Pope on a Rope! Little boy Like a Bhudda in a Boat! Professor Like a poodle eating noodle! ALL Like a Poodle-eating Pote! Professor That's the idea! Little Boy Goes to Hell by Mark Nichols June 5th, 1998 ______________________________________________ © Copyright 1998 by Mark Nichols 48 http://www.ReallyBigProductionCo.com Little boy Like a long lost lemming All Machiavelli is a dope! ALL Like a poodle eating noodle! ALL Like a Poodle-eating Pote! Professor Like the Black!... All Hebba! Professor Tailed!... All Hep! Professor Plumage!... All Herba! Professor Of his... All Heb! Professor Image... All Hep! .....Herba! of HIMSELFFFFFFFF!!!!!!! The class dances itself offstage. All Hep hebba herba hebba heb hebba . . .(etc) Professor [Spoken] So you see kid. That's the way it is. I hope you learned something. Little boy Yeah I did! Music is still going, he's still boogie-ing Little boy This is great!...What's next? I'm ready to learn something else. Professor That's it. Let's get drunk! Little boy No, seriously, What's next? What about learning to tell time. Professor Seriously, that's it! I know everything and I've boiled it down for you. That's it. LITTLE BOY That's it? That can't be it? How am I going to fight the devil with that? I'm doomed. Doomed to be here for the rest of my life, or death or whatever it is. Little Boy Goes to Hell by Mark Nichols June 5th, 1998 ______________________________________________ © Copyright 1998 by Mark Nichols 49 http://www.ReallyBigProductionCo.com PROFESSOR We're all doomed. I thought you knew that. That's just part of the original deal. LITTLE BOY I didn't know. I thought there was still hope. I might as well just give up. PROFESSOR Don't be sad. It's O.k. we've all gotten used to it. It just takes time, that's all. And with this new philosophy we can enjoy things for a quite a while hep-herba-hebba heb herba hebba herba!. ALL(Improving) Hebba herba, hep-herba hebba heb.... LITTLE BOY And I guess I have plenty of time, now huh. Now that there's really no hope. This really is hell....Where are you going? PROFESSOR Come with us and spread Herbalosophy throughout the underworld! LITTLE BOY This isn't going to help me at all! This is crazy! I don't understand anything! PROFESSOR There's another philosophy that I'd like to introduce you to today class, it's called "Burfism" ! (He exits)

Little Boy, exhausted and nauseous. Suddenly, blackout of psychedelic animation. Enter SIX DEMONS. Seven DEMONS Seven, Seven, Seven How’d you get to heaven? Seven’s the magic number What’s up with the number 7 During DEVIL’s solo the SIX, in tableau, roll out a covered gurney and lift LITTLE BOY onto it. They surround the table and begin to operate on the LITTLE BOY in a slow dance. DEVIL The seven mysteries of life The seven headed dragon The seven deadly sins The seven wheeled wagon The seven noble churches Who won’t give in Till the last seven days When the apocalypse begins And mankind recoils To the pestilence and boils And the 7 trumpets spray Triumphant curds and whey As I fly high above Over fields across the styx I see all my demons gathering And practicing their tricks With the seven upheld candles And seven smothered wicked I’m reminded I’m reminded that at times like this I am still very frightened by the number six. BLACKOUT

Lights rise on LITTLE BOY on an the operating table, based on the Milton-Bradley game “Operation”, with only his head peering out Little Boy Goes to Hell by Mark Nichols June 5th, 1998 ______________________________________________ © Copyright 1998 by Mark Nichols 53 http://www.ReallyBigProductionCo.com above the painted body form with cut-outs for the game pieces. Suddenly LITTLE BOY stirs. He opens his eyes groggily and looks around. Little boy Hello! Where are you? Where is everybody? How long have I been here? Mom?! (He looks down at his body.) Oh no. Anybody? Anybody? Is anybody there? Little boy looks around and sees ALL THE PEOPLE in their ridiculous party garb. They all wearing party hats and evil smiles. Then suddenly they shake their party favors. CONFETTI FLIES, Party hats come out and everyone screams with glee. The DEVIL enters in wheelchair wearing a dressing gown. He has party hats and favors. A hush comes over the crowd as The Devil wheels right up to LITTLE BOY and blows the party favor in his face like a long tongue. Devil Yea! Little boy, Yea, isn't this fun? Finally we meet! Yeaaaaa! (all laugh) Little boy Who are you? Devil Ah come on! You can guess can't you? Little Boy no-- Devil Well, am I the tooth fairy? Little Boy No. Devil Am I the Easter Bunny? Little Boy no. Devil no. Laughing sarcastically. Serious suddenly Devil ... am I Father Christmas? Little Boy (thoughtfully) well...no DEVIL (singing) No… Little Boy Goes to Hell by Mark Nichols June 5th, 1998 ______________________________________________ © Copyright 1998 by Mark Nichols 54 http://www.ReallyBigProductionCo.com to some I'm the pearly gates, to some I'm Peter Pan to some I'm Mickey Mouse on a pearly white divan Can you guess who I am? (Western) I'm the light at the end of the tunnel I'm the long tall stranger from where you never wanna be! I'm the master in charge of my own disaster Yippy yea cahyo! I'm the Devil, Yes, it's me! Dance section: Chorus "Ahhs" in Western style CHORUS Ahh Ahh Ahh Yah! (Etc…) DEVIL I'm the head conniver I'm the soul survivor Yippeyeah Cayea I'm the Devil CHORUS He's the Devil DEVIL I'm the Devil, Yes it's me. Song Ends Suddenly

LITTLE BOY You're the Devil! DEVIL That's correct Devil pulls his wheelchair right up next to boy. Little boy And who are all these other people? DEVIL They're me, they're you! Who Cares! Presents! It's time for presents! Yea!!! The music starts. During this each of the 5 characters whom LITTLE BOY has met in hell goes LITTLE BOY and extracts an object then presents it to the DEVIL. The objects are, as follows: The MINISTER: the apple OFFICER FRIENDLY: the key THE CLOWN: the flowers THE PROFESSOR the book PETRA: the spinning toy DEVIL And now, the moment we've all been waiting for, or at least I have. The deal. The soul, Nurse Jane. NURSE JANE goes to LITTLE BOY and extracts the CLOCK. DEVIL Will you willingly give it to me LITTLE BOY I can't. I need it. NURSE JANE hands it back to the boy Little Boy Goes to Hell by Mark Nichols June 5th, 1998 ______________________________________________ © Copyright 1998 by Mark Nichols 55 http://www.ReallyBigProductionCo.com Devil Well, I guess It means that I'll give you another one Little boy Whose? Devil Well, you can chose. Little boy What if I like mine? Devil Well, I just think I need it more than you. Nurse Jane. Nurse Jane goes to LITTLE BOY and takes the clock again. She hands it to the DEVIL LITTLE BOY No that's mine! You can't have it. Song Starts Devil Little boy, this place has everything You can be anyone Pick a soul, any soul stay awhile, and have some fun There are so many people to chose from And more are coming each year They swarm in droves they flock in herds they come in herds they love it here, The crimefighters, criminals, cowboys and Indians, grandmothers, grandfathers, puppies and popes! Narcisstic Nincompoops, dimwits and diplomats, bubblegum bippies and bimbos with bangs, fanatics and liberals, wigs and republicans, communists Bolsheviks, moaists, and monks and housewives and hogfarmers and highbrows and hobos and hippies and yippies and yuppies and tots! and they're ALL HAVING FUN!! Sit up Spanky! Sit it up and look around you! the little birds still sing, the bread still rises, the cookie still crumbles, and the soul sours swiftly toward that which we go now, DEVIL (Cont…) the past collides with the future Spinning, spinning SHOUTING THAT GLORY HALLELUJAH! Which is The twisted fate of causal interaction Post neo-modernist nasal drip Spilling like blood from our souls Little Boy Goes to Hell by Mark Nichols June 5th, 1998 ______________________________________________ © Copyright 1998 by Mark Nichols 56 http://www.ReallyBigProductionCo.com Onto the pools of our navels As we stare, And we cry, And we live, And we love, And life Goes On. Little boy I think I'd rather just keep my own soul. The music starts again Devil Choices, choices are the only things of importance. Life is a maze of choices, a massive criss'crossing of maybes and ifs. I'm giving you ONE CHOICE, and I'm making it as simple as I can one choice, One question--make the choice. What’s it gonna be? LITTLE BOY I don't know. Do I get to go home? DEVIL Of course, anything. LITTLE BOY I can be well again? DEVIL Anything. LITTLE BOY My mom will come and get me? Underscoring ends. Everyone is quiet. DEVIL Yeah, sure, kid. PSYCHIATRIST you have to be honest! DEVIL I don’t have to be anything! PSYCHIATRIST That's not fair! DEVIL What’s fair? None of this is fair. This game is fixed and you know it. I’m not going to win anyway, so who cares how I play. Nobody cares. PSYCHIATRIST That’s crap! Tell him the truth! DEVIL Why should I? The MOM comes forward as the witch. MOM I care. Tell him the truth! DEVIL I can't! MOM Tell him! Little Boy Goes to Hell by Mark Nichols June 5th, 1998 ______________________________________________ © Copyright 1998 by Mark Nichols 57 http://www.ReallyBigProductionCo.com DEVIL Tell him what, Mammy? You never told me. You never explained it to me. MOM How could I? DEVIL You never came back, Mammy… MOM May I take this off? Please! Let me take this off! He nods and She takes off her hat. She goes to him. MOM I couldn't come back…you know I couldn’t. Sometimes people can’t come back. She takes off her witch's nose. Psychiatrist has freed LITTLE BOY who runs to MOM. MOM I didn't want to leave you ever. How could I have known? PSYCHIATRIST Let them go home now. DEVIL I don’t want to. It’s still my turn. Kid, come here. LITTLE BOY goes to the DEVIL. The DEVIL puts the kid on his wheelchair. DEVIL This is all yours now. I’m giving it to you. Stay here. LITTLE BOY But I don't want to stay here. I want to go home. DEVIL This is your home now. You can make it whatever you want it to be. LITTLE BOY But I want to be with my mom. (Runs back to MOM) DEVIL That’s not how the game ends, kid. You don’t get to go home with your mom. PSYCHIATRIST He can if you let him. This is your hell we’re talking about. DEVIL Then he stays! MOM Let us go! DEVIL I won’t. PSYCHIATRIST You have to let them go. DEVIL But then I lose. PSYCHIATRIST That’s not true. DEVIL It’s a trick. PSYCHIATRIST It’s the only way out. Little Boy Goes to Hell by Mark Nichols June 5th, 1998 ______________________________________________ © Copyright 1998 by Mark Nichols 58 http://www.ReallyBigProductionCo.com MOM You have to let us go! PSYCHIATRIST You have to let them all go. You have to free them now, before it’s too late. DEVIL Too late for what? I want to eat, I want to sleep, I don't like life, who gives A shit! PSYCHIATRIST Listen, Spanky! This is your life. Change it now or go back to square one and start all over again? DEVIL What if it doesn’t get any better? PSYCHIATRIST What if it does? The DEVIL thinks, trying to find a way out. Resigned, he turns to LITTLE BOY and MOM. DEVIL Take your mom and go. Quick. MOM turns and begins to exit with LITTLE BOY, then turns back and goes to THE DEVIL giving him a kiss on the forehead. They look at each other for a moment. LITTLE BOY stops, turning once again to the DEVIL. LITTLE BOY slowly crosses and holds out the CLOCK to the DEVIL. LITTLE BOY You said you needed this more than me. I don't need it anymore. The DEVIL takes the CLOCK Slowly. LITTLE BOY and MOM exit slowly through the spiral. There is a beat as the DEVIL takes it all in. PSYCHIATRIST You win. PSYCHIATRIST turns and goes upstage. The DEVIL sits holding the clock. Music enters quietly. The crowd comes down to surround him.

DEVIL There's a place in this world In this world all the time There’s no music, no darkness, and no light shines there's no day, There's no night But there’s plenty of time PSYCHIATRIST And everything’s crazy here Under the sun We’re all going backwards to where we’ve begun And I never wonder bout what it all means Life is a memory life is a dream CHORUS Is your head a wondrous, magical place? With hundreds of clowns throwing pies at the face Of a hobo who's dancing on top of a unicorn Muttering something about Shakespeare and reindeer And we wonder we wonder ah why, why, why, why They're serving us ice cream and cold karma pie Does anyone here have the answers my friend? To the question of what might just follow the end But you never should wonder bout what it all means Life is a memory life is a dream. THE END