I am the Head of Surgery
PATIENTS
(except DEVIL)
He's the head of Surgery
PSYCHIATRIST I love my patients equally
HOSPITAL STAFF He loves his patients equally
PSYCHIATRIST I treat them well
All (except DEVIL) and hope like hell
PSYCHIATRIST In hopes that they will cure themselves
All: Cure themselves, Cure themselves.
PSYCHIATRIST: If not they'll all, they'll all end up in--
MALE QUARTET
(alternating Barbershop harmony style)
The funny farm.
The bottomless pit.
The hen house.
The Picklebarrel.
ALL The Cracker Factory. Wa!

PSYCHIATRIST
(spoken)
We must fight for them. They have lives! Just
like we have lives. And hopes and dreams, just like us. They’re part
of us. That's why they're here. To be cured. We must treat them all.
Love them all. Take her for example...
PSYCHIATRIST points at NURSE FRIENDLY.
PSYCHIATRIST
(singing)
She's really just a patient
who is hostile and defensive
to the people she cares most about
in fact,
her presence here has grown so large
she thinks that she’s the one in charge
it’s true
He gestures to the PROFESSOR, who mumbles to himself
incoherently.
PSYCHIATRIST
The Professor's hebophrenia
manifests inside his brain-ia
watch him vocalize his nervousness
see the latent schizo-herbousness
which has just begun to surfaceness
it’s a little bit like skurvies it'll pass
I love my patients ALL He loves his patients
I love my patients ALL He loves his patients
PSYCHIATRIST
I really love them
and would you be the one to ignore him? ALL No!
Would you cast him aside like a pin? ALL Not a chance!
I love my patients ALL He loves his patients
I love my patients ALL He loves his patients
Would you throw him away like a bail of old hay?
If you would then you’re nothing like me!
CHORUS
If you would then you're nothing like him
PSYCHIATRIST gestures to the CLOWN
PSYCHIATRIST
And Manny seems good humored now
but give him just an hour
and the world will have turned sour
it's a mystery
and such that we
search constantly
to find alas that manic depression
is a pain in the ass.
(He turns to Petra)
Now Petra is an addict
suicidal and abusive
her addiction causes friction
won't respond when she's despondent
she withdraws from all our treatment
all her wounds are self inflicted
it’s a shame.
(He crosses to the Minister)
The minister seems sinister
in schizophrenic heaven
her obsession means digression
into spiritual possession
you’re fairly safe ‘cause she believes
Nurse Jane and I are Adam and Eve
That’s right!
I love my patients ALL He loves his patients
I love my patients ALL He loves his patients
I love my patients ALL He loves his patients
I love my patients ALL He loves his patients
I love my patients ALL He loves his patients
I love my patients ALL He loves his patients
(PSYCHIATRIST goes to the DEVIL)
PSYCHIATRIST
Would you be the one to ignore him? ALL No!
would you cast him aside like a pin? ALL Not a chance!
Would you throw him away
like a bail of old hay?
If you would then you're nothing like me!
I am the Head of Surgery
All
(except DEVIL)
He's the head of Surgery
PSYCHIATRIST I love my patients equally
All He loves his patients equally
PSYCHIATRIST I treat them well
All and hope like hell
PSYCHIATRIST In hopes that someday they will cure themselves
All cure themselves, Cure themselves.
PSYCHIATRIST: If not they'll all.
ALL they'll all end up in-- AH.....
The song ends