LITTLE BOY Jeez, I've got a lot to learn. I don't understand
anything.
A banner drops it says
"PROFESSOR STUMP'S
SCHOOL OF HERBALOSOPHY, DEAL-MAKING,
AND TIME"
A few students are dollied in. They sit in little schooldesks.
Professor (Entering on a bike)
Hep,hep-herba-herba-hebba-hep-hebba hep... You certainly do have
a lot to learn. And I am just the person to teach you! Hello Students!
ALL Hello, Professor Stump.
PROFESSOR The first thing I'd like to do today is to spend a little time
on the concept of time…isn't that funny? We're going to take some
time to spend time learning how to tell time. Hopefully we won't run
out of time in the process. Hm... [teacher paces, taps fingers on
desk.] What is time anyway? 5 minutes ago we were outside at
recess. But doesn't it seem like it was a lifetime ago? A lifetime.
Hebba-herba-hebba- A watched pot never boils. A human lives for
80 years. A fly lives only a month. Every year to a dog is equal to
seven of our years. Certainly time is not the same experience for a
turtle or a sloth or a snail or a slug as for us? Is it?
Professor Now, Students, Take out your phoney paper clocks.
Students open desks and take toy clocks except for Little Boy who
takes out his real clock.
Professor Can anyone tell me what time it is if the little hand is on
the 1 and the big hand is on the 9?
Little boy One-O-nine?
Professor Young man. Do you ever expect to graduate giving
answers like that? Hebba herba...hep.... You've got far to go, I can
see that. What is it you want from an eduction?
LITTLE BOY I want to be smart so I can make a good deal
with the DEVIL
Little Boy Goes to Hell by Mark Nichols June 5th, 1998
______________________________________________
© Copyright 1998 by Mark Nichols 45 http://www.ReallyBigProductionCo.com
PROFESSOR I see… Dealmaking requires three things. 1) Something
you want 2) something they want and 3) A philosphy of life. An ethic,
a credo. I know just the one for you...herbalosophy.
Little boy "Herbalosophy?"
ALLHerbalosophy?
Professor Yes. "herbalosophy" is a combination of a lot of
important things: religion psychology, many disciplines packed
together. Complete knowledge, you might say.
Little Boy Well, I like knowledge.
Everyone nodding excitedly.
Professor Then this is your lucky day!
Knowledge is my middle name, Professor Underpants Knowledge
Stump. Yes, You happen to be looking at someone who knows,
should I say it? Oh, why not--everything.
Little boy Everything?
ALL Everything?
Little boy No one know's everything!
PROFESSOR
Cretin! Are you disputing my credentials
--yes, I'm extremely qualified and have been certified in virtually
everything.
My life's work has been the attainment of knowledge
Let's see there's
(Singing)
High school Administration,
Poly Sci, Astronomy
Religion, English, P.E.
and my masters in Autonomy
Oxford on a rouge
to study Hebrew Deuteronomy
and ended up in astro
bio physical economy
A Doctorate from M.I.T.
in Lazer radiology.
I took a term at Berkeley
doing MacroEtemology
And If you still are wondering
just what a scholar is this
I have to say, my majors
had an emphasis in Business!
Little boy Business! Wow!
You must be smart!
Professor Maybe…
Little Boy Goes to Hell by Mark Nichols June 5th, 1998
______________________________________________
© Copyright 1998 by Mark Nichols 46 http://www.ReallyBigProductionCo.com
Little boy ...Well maybe you know what I need to know.
Professor I'm sure of it.
Little boy Great maybe you can teach me how to tell time now!
Professor Time, Little boy, is the Antichrist of the intellectual. You
are stupid now, I can see that. but you or anyone no matter how
dumb can be taught to perceive the seed, the quickening core we call
time. Oh yes, I'm sure of it. I see great potential. Mmmmm herba
hep..hep...What was the question? Don't confuse me! For remember.
I know everything. Whatever the question is, It shouldn't be a
problem.
LITTLE BOY Can you teach us how to tell time.
PROFESSOR Yes, I know practically everything, and I've condensed it
all together in this wonderful--hep hep--herbas--'excuse me, this
wonderful "philosophy" if you will. Before we learn to tell time. We
should know what "time" is. What is time? Now, lemme see if I can
explain a couple of things to ya. Like....this...Oh yeah, can you feel
it?
Music starts when Professor snaps his fingers 4 times
Professor
Machiavelli Ran
from a fly in his ear
Got a fear very near
to a new revelation
about the situation,
his position in the station,
the station of life
and his constant constipation,
the black tailed plumage
of the image of himself.
If you knew you like him and he do,
you'd be bettin' your life
you'd be reachin' for a knife
the knife was made of rubber,
the Buddha made of blubber
SO MUCH FOR IMPROVING YOUR HEALTH!
Buddha’s on a diet,
Keep him quiet
Let him try it
All the people rub his belly
want to force him to deny it.
It’s confusing yet amusing
Machiavelli be abusing
No one else is in the race
But it seem he’s always losing
Machiavelli got to run to get away.
Had a deerfly in his ear
Wouldn’t leave, wouldn’t leave
Little Boy Goes to Hell by Mark Nichols June 5th, 1998
______________________________________________
© Copyright 1998 by Mark Nichols 47 http://www.ReallyBigProductionCo.com
Hooked up with Cinderella
She’s a swishy kinda fella
Glass slippers full o’ jella
In a pizza quick bordella
Machiavelli and the Buddha got away!
[spoken]
Lemme see if I can explain
a few things to ya.
Now you take a religion take any old one
and you take a philosophy just for fun
and you mash it together you squash em together
combine 'im--define 'em as 'herba'
Or you take the linking verb 'Hebba" "to heb"
or you can use another--that's "hep" instead
and then you mash em together,
you squash em together you go hep--hep,
PROFESSOR (Cont…)
herba herba herba herba hep now,
hep--hep, herba herba herba hep now.. .. .
All
Hep--hep--herba-hep hebba herba now!
Hep --hep --herba hep herba , now, now
As they repeat this, their dance becomes more and more frenzied.
Rollerskating Books whirl around the action.
Professor
Like a noodle eating poodle
or a pope on a rope
It's a transcendental muddle
Machiavelli is a dope
He's an optimist, pessimist,
universal consciousness
isn't any better than a gator in the water
than a gator in the water of a moat
Professor Like a cigarette butt
ALLlike a gator in a mote
Professor Like a Pope on a Rope!
Little boy Like a Bhudda in a Boat!
Professor Like a poodle eating noodle!
ALL Like a Poodle-eating Pote!
Professor That's the idea!
Little Boy Goes to Hell by Mark Nichols June 5th, 1998
______________________________________________
© Copyright 1998 by Mark Nichols 48 http://www.ReallyBigProductionCo.com
Little boy Like a long lost lemming
All Machiavelli is a dope!
ALL Like a poodle eating noodle!
ALL Like a Poodle-eating Pote!
Professor Like the Black!...
All Hebba!
Professor Tailed!...
All Hep!
Professor Plumage!...
All Herba!
Professor Of his...
All Heb!
Professor Image...
All Hep! .....Herba! of HIMSELFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!
The class dances itself offstage.
All Hep hebba herba hebba heb hebba . . .(etc)
Professor
[Spoken] So you see kid. That's the way it is. I hope you learned
something.
Little boy
Yeah I did!
Music is still going, he's still boogie-ing
Little boy This is great!...What's next? I'm ready to learn
something else.
Professor That's it. Let's get drunk!
Little boy No, seriously, What's next? What about learning to tell
time.
Professor Seriously, that's it! I know everything and I've boiled it
down for you. That's it.
LITTLE BOY That's it? That can't be it? How am I going to fight the devil
with that? I'm doomed. Doomed to be here for the rest of my life, or
death or whatever it is.
Little Boy Goes to Hell by Mark Nichols June 5th, 1998
______________________________________________
© Copyright 1998 by Mark Nichols 49 http://www.ReallyBigProductionCo.com
PROFESSOR We're all doomed. I thought you knew that. That's just
part of the original deal.
LITTLE BOY I didn't know. I thought there was still hope. I might as
well just give up.
PROFESSOR Don't be sad. It's O.k. we've all gotten used to it. It just
takes time, that's all. And with this new philosophy we can enjoy
things for a quite a while hep-herba-hebba heb herba hebba herba!.
ALL(Improving) Hebba herba, hep-herba hebba heb....
LITTLE BOY And I guess I have plenty of time, now huh. Now that
there's really no hope. This really is hell....Where are you going?
PROFESSOR Come with us and spread Herbalosophy throughout the
underworld!
LITTLE BOY This isn't going to help me at all! This is crazy! I
don't understand anything!
PROFESSOR There's another philosophy that I'd like to introduce you
to today class, it's called "Burfism" ! (He exits)